On an organ

I've been negligent - but it's been an internal week. So, I'll take the last few official minutes of it to try to let go of some of the angst I have been holding in.

All it takes is a little talk about money to throw me off - at any level - the government, the church, my personal finances. The strongest association that money has for me is with guilt, which is why this week was particularly tortuous. I'll spare whatever readers I might have another political tirade, but it was a bad money week in Congress. Still, that's not what's been eating at me - I did what I could for as much as it's worth in that arena.

No, it's church (are you surprised?) that worries me and some of the money decisions we are facing. And I have deep internal conflict about the priorities. Having proclaimed that the federal budget is a moral document for the past several weeks (years!) - how much more so is a church budget? church spending decisions? How are we faithful to the gospel with our resources?

I don't know the balance. I just know that some of what's going on doesn't sit well in my heart and I don't know how to share it. I end up feeling like a child banging my head on the table because no one seems to understand - immature, impatient, invisible? And it doesn't help that at the same time I feel like I am being tested by my pastor in terms of a future in ministry - and I'm failing.

Maybe I should take comfort in the prophets - there is a sense of crying out in the wilderness in all of this - but I don't aspire to delusions of grandeur. I don't even aspire to profundity because Lord knows I'm inconsistent. I just want to feel a little less alone and I want to be a little more generous with those with whom I don't agree.

I don't have (if anyone really does anyway) the moral high ground - I just don't understand the choices. Maybe I'm a bit stubborn and probably a lot insecure. My own faith is so full of holes that I feel threatened by anything that pushes up against it - it seeps through and ends up cutting at me because I am so weak. I don't know how to hold on to what I believe without pushing others away.

How can one be both prophetic and pastoral?

Maybe with a little sleep and a lot of prayers.....