OPP

I spent today in other people's lives - desperately avoiding any semblance of my own, except the toothache and sneezing kept bringing me back. I get lost in stories so that I don't have to live because there is some discernable plot that my life doesn't seem to have. Regrets? No, only if there was a plan to begin with would there truly be regrets. I take a little bit of everything in, but I'm left with nothing to give - how does that work?

Ideas, I have ideas and thoughts and dreams. There was something earlier in the week from that beautiful passage in Romans - more than conquerers - those were the words that stuck with me. Not the neither death nor life nor height nor depth, but "more than conquerers" because there is so much that I want and need to conquer, so much of myself I want to defeat. All the weeds from Matthew choking life out right now. Maybe it still too early to know the difference between the weeds and the wheat, who knows? I'm not supposed to judge, but I do. The rightness and wrongness of my life - who knows the difference? It's easier to drown yourself in someone else's for a while.

Maybe that's why most of all I want to run away and throw myself into something that in and of itself is good, that doesn't require goodness of me so much as just the doing, the doing, the being without being. My life for someone else's to someone else's, now there is a purpose. Running away to another country - not for noble causes, but to give my life meaning in a work that just requires me to show up, to react, to care, to respond, to LIVE. Someone else's life.