silence....

Silence welcomes the dreamer, the wanderer
the imagination of the soul searcher
the child inside the weary philosopher
embracing the forgotten in velvet-lined obscurity
and filling the abyss of the lost heart

Silence has been my friend for several months now because unlike the great mystics, I have no powerful words for my dark nights of the soul. I don't know how well I am seeing the light yet, but Advent is a season of hope, so I must yet believe and let myself be pulled along by the anticipation of something new that I can't quite yet imagine.

Silence - the sound of God in my life. Who is it that has said we know God most profoundly in his silence? that we feel God most deeply in her absence? I should know quite a lot by now for all the heartache the still hovers around me. In times like the past months, I think I know what it means when Paul (it is Paul isn't it?) says we are in this world, but not of this world. This world has certainly not felt my own - with all of its disappointment, uncertainty, and my groping for answers.

I have once again set my heart at something that I likely can't have. I should know by now what is worthy of my love, but my heart seems to refuse to learn. If only I knew, really knew what God wanted for me or had some glimpse that I would yet turn out okay...."'For I know the plans I have for you, 'says the Lord, 'Plans to propser and not to harm you.'" There's a secret I wish I was in on because I cannot hear the meaning yet in my life - and I long for a love that seems so elusive. My heart is restless til it finds rest in thee....but it remains restless.

I wish I could say what I want to say - I wish that words were enough for what I feel and I wish I didn't feel so alone. How do you reach someone who refuses truly to live? How do you love someone that is closed off to love? How do you let go when you can see the beauty, the potential lying there, just beyond your reach? How long should you hope for what seems impossible?