And so it is...

Just how it should be... That this is the one place I can post this now because there have been so many secrets and disappointments over the past several months that there is no one else to tell. I'd almost forgotten about this space myself, but this is exactly why it's here. It doesn't matter who reads it - it just needs to have a space outside my own mind and my own meager physical space.

What is it? Simply that I have survived - to put a melodramatic air to it, but it is something nonetheless, whether it matters to much of anyone. I took another trip to hell and have finally gotten a glimpse of the other side, if still through the tears I'm fighting off. Why do these things happen? Why do I make the same mistakes? When will doors start opening instead of closing.?...it all just closes behind me right now and there is no door to the future. The doors close, but there is no closure because memories can't be erased. "I am a part of all I have met," wrote Tennyson - and it is all a part of me for better or worse. There is no letting go of the things that leave such deep marks or of the moments when the darkness crowds in again. There are echoes that follow you throughout, ghosts of the people loved and those who failed to love you. I want to give them all a proper place (a proper burial), but there is no room - my head and my heart are too full, so it still floats on the surface, always hovering around me. Memories or hauntings? There is no erasing the past, nor is there always a moral. Everything simply goes on and it is of little importance to the world, but here I am still.

I am tired, but life hasn't beaten me yet, though it has come close to turning me bitter. There are no great complaints only a litany of disappointments and unfilled expectations and a life that I still have to decide what to do with. Would that something would be easy, something would change, something would happen that didn't leave me feeling so empty. God and I will have a lot to talk about on the other side, though I suppose God already knows...does incarnation mean that God lives still in each of us enough to experience it with us? Would that God would break the silence and the loneliness, but yet I am.

One person...and so many. I should be easy to forget, but there you have it--I cannot say goodbye, so things will just continue to fade on as we continue not speaking or speaking past one another...this is all that is left of friendship, of the love that I wanted. I can't carve you out and yet there is no room for you in me or me in you that fits either of us. And yet we are and our lives are now interconnected and things done cannot be undone, though they may yet be forgiven.

And so, without saying much to the point, I have said it - this IT that I have accomplished in simply staring down someone who hurt me deeply, in not breaking, yet have I failed by not being human? Because that is the charge I bring against you...I can't shut you out and you never let me in.